The Ride Operator
A few weeks ago I traveled to Seattle for a procedure. It didn't go so well. It didn't go bad but It just wasn't successful. The doctor attempted to remove a stint that was placed when I got extremely sick last year. That stint was placed one year and two days ago. It was an extreme low point for me. I'm not sure I have shared this story but, before the stint was placed I was forced to have an external drain to essentially keep me alive. I hated it! I would ugly cry when I had to empty the bag attached to my side. And it was extremely painful. It took two procedures to remove the external drain. The first one was not successful. It was a specialized ERCP. I remember waking up from anesthesia and reaching for my side and feeling that the drain was still there. I burst into tears and cried out loud... "I am going to die early!" It was this scary low moment for me. I remember playing in my head moments I was going to miss! I had this nurse who was either completely void of empathy or just didn't know what else to do - So she asked if I wanted some water. I told her yes to give her an excuse to leave me there to continue to cry. The is the cruel thing about Covid visiting rules. My husband couldn't be there to process this and reassure me like he always does. It took one other procedure to make that drain go away. And that was when they placed a stint that now needs to come out. I admittedly have struggled emotionally since returning from Seattle and I think it is because it was kind of a repeat of that unsuccessful ERCP a year ago. Today I went to the doc and I was an emotional mess afterwards.... No one tells you that cancer is an emotional ride too.
While we were in Seattle we were blessed to stay at a family members condo there. It was in an incredible location! With a view that overlooked the Ferriss wheel that sits on the dock. Every day I would sit in this chair and stare out at the beauty out the window.
Because I was struggling so much emotionally, I began to feel like God was speaking to me through that silly Ferriss wheel. And so I began to write my thoughts about this circle contraption, the highs and lows and the ultimate ride operator...
THE RIDE OPERATOR:
Step Right up, are you ready?
The ride operator asks for you to surrender.
The Ferriss wheel has highs and lows.
The ride goes in circles.
And you decide if you are going to surrender
the highs and lows to the ride operator.
The views are breathtaking, like a wedding day or
the day a child is born.
The views are mediocre and mundane like everyday life.
No matter the view the ride operator stays.
He is with you through it all.
He never leaves his command - day and night.
God of the highs and lows.
That is the ride operator.
I felt like God was speaking to me and saying, Albre, I am with you - high or low. If I am being honest I have struggled with that. And I keep having to remind myself of that. Today as I went to the doctor, and we talked about what is next. Scans, and stints and procedures ...I had to remember that even though this view isn't so great right now - He is with me. And in a few weeks when we celebrate my sons graduation, and the view is breathtaking ... He will be with me then too.
No matter what your view might be right now, I pray you are reminded that God is there. And I hope you enjoy the photo I captured at sunset of the Ferriss Wheel!
Focus on the GOOD! - Albre