If I am being honest...
In this addition of If I am being honest... I tell you how a phone call brought me to my knees. I think I have been putting in extra effort to make things feel NORMAL. I think so much so that I am probably over doing it. I could feel it today! I felt
exhausted! I also had a strange pain in between my shoulder
blades which immediately set off an anxiety in me. I have tried really hard to act like... nothing to see here, everything is normal. So it took me off guard today when a phone call brought me to my knees. The hospital called to schedule my next PET scan... It was your average medical scheduling call, are you diabetic? Here's where to arrive.. You must fast for 6 hours prior to your scan. Only clear liquids... all the stuff that at this point I could re-site to you anyway, and don't even necessarily need to be told.
When I hung up the phone I burst into tears. I wasn't told any grave news.. I haven't even had the scan yet! Why was I freaking out!?! Well here's the thing... If I am being honest,... You get a two for one with cancer! You know when you go to the nice beauty store and they stick some trial size samples in your bag.. and you get ONE squeeze of some expensive lotion, in hopes that you will RUN back to the store and buy said expensive lotion!! ... Well it is kind of like that. When they diagnose you with a life threatening illness .. they throw in a sample size of anxiety. You just get a little squeeze of it here and there. Just enough to make you feel like you are on the edge of a cliff. Our loved ones get the two for one too. A few weeks ago I met with a young gal who's dad was diagnosed and I could not only feel her anxiety I could relate to it, I knew it like the back of my hand... And I wanted to take it away from her and throw it out the nearest window!!
I had been doing so good. It was like someone walked by my office when I took that call with a big sign that said Welcome to reality. It caused me to fight back the anger, anxiety, sadness and fear all at once. I was just struggling so I came home... and forced myself to just be for a little bit.
While I was relaxing ... I realized I had a text on my phone I hadn't responded to... I have a few teen girls that have let me adopt them, and don't know why or how - they let this old sick lady hang out with them - but I believe God gave us each other. So tonight I was texting one of them and I told her what I was feeling and she simply responded "It is ok to be scared, I am scared all the time...but it is how you get through it that matters." ... WHAT THE HECK - I am pretty sure since I am 40 and she is 16 that I am supposed to be the mentor in the relationship! Hahaha! But man, God will use the people in your life to speak to you! I needed those exact words! I need to allow myself that space to be scared, and I need to decide how I am going to get through it! And that might mean that I need to give myself the space to get through it!
So tonight I am giving myself space and I am using the best tactic I know to change my thinking... pouring into gratitude!! Thank you God for the words from a wise beautiful 16 year old! Thank you for using her to speak to me! Thank you for distractions! Thank you for friends who just knew I needed a text! Thank you for the silly onsie that my mom bought Lyla to arrive today and make me smile! Thank you!