Crippling anxiety and snoring!
Have you ever had dreams that your belly is filling with a toxic fluid that could kill you at a rapid rate... Cause I have! Oh wait!... that is my reality! So here is where we are! I realized I haven't really updated here... I want to start using this more of a place to write. A few weeks ago I spiked a fever, well I was on oral chemo and when you are compromised a fever gets you an automatic GO TO THE HOSPITAL card.
I am starting to think there could be a hilarious version of Cancer Monopoly! - I can see the cards now... Receives hospital bill, now you are broke!.. Applies for disability, it is a SMALL fraction of what you made! - Wants to live life and go on that amazing trip.... see the previous cards!
Anyway back to my story... I get my GO TO THE HOSPITAL card and I do not pass GO, and I get all the COVID questions and I get a gown and I get an admittance! What comes of it, is that my belly is filling up with a fluid... a condition called Ascites. They did a paracenteses to remove the fluid and evaluate it. Well fast forward to the news that this fluid tested positive for malignancy. There's no cure for this... I just have to fight, and fight and fight. which is why in my last post, I am back on a 52 hour infusion of chemo. I had to quit my job and ... I have spent the last several nights not able to sleep, crippled by the anxiety of this happening! ... And If I am being honest, last night my husband was snoring so bad - I honestly considered punching him to see if it would make me feel better! Except that he realized that I was awake and sweetly apologized for his snoring and asked if there was anything he could do to help me, and rubbed my back till I feel asleep to the sound of his snoring! I have to go back in on Tuesday for another drain. I am sure that I have more fluid on the belly... But I have never hoped so much for a doctor to just tell me I am fat! Hahahaha!! Here's what I grapple with... Is the chemo working? If It is why is there more fluid? Will it work if not? ... HOW LONG?
I needed to visit my own words and reminders... I ended up looking back on some of my posts. I have been trying to FOCUS on the GOOD... I guess I needed a reminder.
Note to self:
Do something you love each day
Focus on the good
Live in the moment!
I have this awful thought that I didn't do something last time around, I didn't share my faith enough and that is why I have to go through it again! But man Satan is good! That is where those thoughts come from. I guess I will sign off with this reminder to myself...
... But even if our bodies are breaking down on the outside, who we are on the inside is being renewed everyday.
2 Corinthians 4:16